When we lose sanity OR that is war
by 910328
Summary: The enormity of the suffering caused by war sometimes leads to loss of sanity. Not everyone will rise after something like that. Famous Copy Ninja vs famous eternal problem: how to survive with so much sorrow within. Written during my own stay in a psychiatric hospital.


So many years he's been tough, steadfast and calm. Since Naruto became Hokage, trainings for young ANBU began to present Kakashi as a model warrior, many has been copying his style and it started to produce tangible results - within the walls of Konoha security was simply guaranteed. Kakashi felt no pride. He asked instructors from the Academy to propose Naruto's, Jiraya's, Neji's, Hinata's and Sakura's attitude as models of courage and sacrifice and not mentioning him among them. He didn't want the kids to be told about him more than necessary. He wanted none of them have to struggle with fate similar to his fate, and at such an early stage of their lives remained white white and black black .

So many years, Hatake Kakashi was brave and faced adversity, rejected his own suffering for Konoha, and was doing everything what prompted an obligation, what he promised to another. It all took too long.

On 35th birthday, when late at night he closed the door behind the last guests, he realized that he's trembling. He leaned against the wall, and then took a few deep breaths, he was sure that he drank too much sake, so he went to the bathroom and vomited everything he had in his stomach, and then washed his face and looked in the mirror. For a moment he stood motionless, staring at his reflection, convinced that he was looking at someone else's face. Face of a youngster with horrible scar and hair white as snow. With grey eyes wet with tears .

When he finally moved, everything changed. He couldn't describe it or identify it, but felt that the last barrier collapsed. That he lost control, that nothing will be like it was before. Slowly moving he wiped his face and put the mask on, and then returned to the room, where at the couch, in front of a cluttered, after-party table Pakkun was sleeping. Kakashi quietly gathered food scraps to the bucket and very carefully sat down on the couch, but the dog opened his eyes.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up" Kakashi whispered. "Just... everyone has gone, so you can also go back if you want."

Pakkun stared at Kakashi without a word. In the end, he stood up and stretched.

"Birthdays tend to be depressing" he noted. Kakashi nodded, staring at the floor. Pakkun took a walk around the apartment and finally stopped and looked at Kakashi again.

"I'm a dog" he stated clearly. "Talk about it with someone. With a friend. With a man"

"You expect me to tell the others that you're a dog? They've noticed already, really"

"Ah" if Pakkun had shoulders, he would shrug. "How funny. Kakashi, I know you for 35 years. You know very well what I mean. And I know that I will be useless in the conversation, because I don't understand human emotions."

"Maybe you're right" Kakashi said. "They deserve to kn... I mean... I'll talk to Gai tomorrow."

Dog stared at him.

"Ah, yes" he said after a long moment of silence. "So I'm going home, I'll visit you for a few days."

"Well" Kakashi avoided his eyes "thanks, Pakkun. Good night."

"G'night, kid."

After these words Pakkun vanished into thin air. But instead of returning to his headquarters, he appeared a few blocks away. And then he rushed to the Gai's apartment.

Kakashi sat down at his desk and pulled out some papers and a pen. He shivered and started to write slowly and clearly, and the words were coming out smoothly from the pen, as if he already arranged them in his head. When he finished, it began to dawn. He put all cards in envelopes, and addressed them:

to: Uzumaki Naruto, the seventh Hokage, from: Hatake Kakashi

to: Maito Gai, my best friend, from: Hatake Kakashi

to: Sai, a member of the Team Seven, from: Hatake Kakashi

to: Pakkun, my eternal friend, from: Hatake Kakashi

to Tenzou, my brother in arms, from: Hatake Kakashi

Kakashi stood up, and went to the cupboard. He changed into civilian clothes. Uniform with the mask hid deep in a drawer. He ate a quick ramen, cleaned up the apartment, washed the dishes and went out of the house. The day was beautiful, sky cloudless, the sun rising sharply shone in his eyes. Kakashi was walking and breathing. He looked up at the sky, over the rooftops, remembered an old Shikamaru's habit and smiled slightly to memories. Yes, today Shikamaru probably doesn't have time to look at the clouds and loung on the grass. The kids give him a hard time, and he'll be a father soon. How troublesome is that!

"Oh! Sorry, I didn't notice..." mumbled a ninja which collided with Kakashi.

"It's okay, it's my fault" Kakashi said and then noticed he collided with Genma.

Genma paused for a moment, then whistled.

"Kakashi!" he exclaimed, patting a friend on the shoulder. "For God's sake, what birthday has done to you, without mask you look like... fifteen years younger! What a party!"

"Oh... yes, it was cool night..."

"Cool? Man, there was no so much fun since after-war party!"

Kakashi shuddered involuntarily, and Genma's face thinned.

"What 's wrong?" he asked anxiously. "You look terribly pale, you okay?"

"It's a hangover" Kakashi quickly assured. "I'm sorry, I gotta go... I have something to do... so... well ... thank you again... cheers."

"Hangover..?" Genma repeated. "Well... if it's the case... see ya..."

Genma was standing and watching as Kakashi leaves. And then suddenly anxiety turned into a crazy fear. The man turned on his heel and walked in the opposite direction he intended earlier. To Gai's apartment.

"I doubt I'll get where you are" Kakashi whispered, stroking marble slab. "Obito probably also failed, although who knows... who knows?.. I'd love to meet you both, but it seems that our paths diverged, perhaps forever. You certainly understand why it is like it is. I'm not a hero, like you, I cannot be like Naruto. And I'm so tired. You know, I keep wondering if there is anything else I should do, maybe it's too early for that. Maybe I should perform my duties 'til the end, as long as I can. But look, Rin, my body already refused to cooperate, I feel that if I kill someone or someone I wanted to protect will die, then I'll lose my rationality and for the rest of my life I'll be crazy or psychotic. I'm 35 now, 30 years fighting and sacrificing everything I own, but now it 's over, now I want to do something for myself. Maybe it's just evil, Minato-sensei wouldn't approve this... nor master Jiraya, if he lived... but... I'm too weak now. I arranged that kids of Konoha won't take me as an example to follow too easily. It was a good move. Rin, I leave Konoha in good, strong and wise hands. If I had not been able to, please, take care of them if you can. Take care of Gai. I didn't come here for your absolution, because I know I don't deserve it. I came to say goodbye. Goodbye, Rin. I'm sorry."

Gai wasn't at home. Kakashi for the last time called to the door, then slid down the wall to the ground. Sitting and shivering, he remembered all the moments spent with his best friend. The last private challenge, which he won, which increased his predominance over the Green Beast of Konoha to 3 points. Gai has always been his friend. The best and most faithful, rival, great ninja and wonderful man. If Kakashi was able to repeat his youth, he would never ever say those cold words, which he offered to Gai once. For which he never apologized. For which he wanted to apologize today, and here, in this place. But Gai wasn't at home. Hatake Kakashi was shaking and crying like a baby, because he realized that he will never see his friend again. That his time was up, and that now he'll go home and will do what planned. He stood up, holding on to the wall. He wiped his tears, put his hand on the door, then turned and walked away .

He went into the apartment and carefully closed the door. He put letters on the table. He bent down and pulled out oblong box from under the bed. Carefully pulled out his katana - the same as a memento of his father, looking exactly like the old one.

"Well, what are you going to do with it, kid?"

Kakashi winced surprised, and katana almost fell out of his hand. Pakkun scrambled out from under the blanket and sat on the couch, staring at his ninja friend.

"What are you doing here?" Kakashi asked, trying to make his voice natural and steady.

"I'm watching you and asking what you intend to do with that thing."

"Nothing. Just looking at."

"Just looking at."

"Yes."

"And letters?"

Kakashi looked at the table, not deluded that his face expresses indifference.

"Yes, I forgot to send them."

"One is addressed to me" noted Pakkun, not moving from the spot. "Not easier would it be if you had summon me and handed it to me?"

"Pakkun" Kakashi couldn't pretend any longer, his voice broke, his hands clenched on the edge of katana "please, leave me alone."

"I cannot let you kill yourself" said the dog gently. "I promised your father, then the Fourth Hokage, then the Third Hokage and finally I promised master Jiraya that I will protect you."

"You do not have to protect me anymore!.. It's my decision, I'm no longer in any danger..."

"Calm down. Such decisions only indicate that the situation gets out of your control. Kakashi whom I know, would never abandon his friends. He wouldn't leave Naruto."

"Please... try to understand" Kakashi whispered "I don't have any strength to fight like nothing happened and just live. I'm not who I was and never will be. Something has ended, Pakkun. Please, go away, don't look."

"I'm not going to look, buddy." Not hurrying, Pakkun jumped down on the floor, went to the door, jumped to the lock and turned it by teeth before Kakashi was able to do or say anything.

Someone turned the handle on the outside, the door opened and Gai and Shikamaru stood in them. Kakashi groaned, stepped back and almost fell stumbling on the box lying on the floor. Using moment of inattention, Shikamaru proceeded to action.

"Kage Mane no Jutsu... successful. I'm sorry, sensei."

Gai had a very serious face. In several decisive steps he faced Kakashi and held out his hands.

"Give it to me, please, my friend" he said quietly. "I promise that everything will be fine, but first you have to give it back."

Kakashi didn't protest, didn't try to break Shikamaru's jutsu. When Gai gently took katana from his hands, Kakashi just trembled. He looked like a person, which ceased to reach any stimuli.

"Something's not right at all" Gai said after several attempts to force a reaction from a friend. "Shikamaru, he needs to sit down. How long can you keep Kage Mane no Jutsu?"

"More than 10 minutes."

"All right. Pakkun, within ten minutes some medics must appear here. Notify lady Tsunade."

"Got it."

Shikamaru "sat down" Kakashi at the table. He saw letters and showed them to Gai.

"For me?" Gai picked up the envelope and hesitated. Kakashi didn't react, so Gai pulled a letter out of the envelope and began to read. After a moment, his eyes filled with tears. He swallowed it with difficulty, reached the end of the letter and folded it in half, then put it back into the envelope. He leaned over Kakashi and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I swear" he slowly said "I swear, do you hear me? I will do everything in my power to help you. So you won't have to feel this way. I'll never leave you."

Shikamaru stared intently at his palms. He felt that he shouldn't be a witness of this scene. Years before the war, before he heard about the Akatsuki, before he became Chuunin, he repeatedly heard bits of conversations between his father, Inoichi and Choza. About ANBU ninjas who couldn't take it anymore, who "scattered" like Inoichi said. One of them killed his comrades, and then killed himself. The second one nearly killed a little child, and when he was arrested, he detonated an explosive device. There was a one who stopped talking and eating, they had to put him into the straitjacket.

"People who have seen too much" said Choza. Shikamaru knew what madness and depression are, after the last war this problem concerned not only ANBU members. But if someone had told him before, that he will have to refrain Kakashi from suicide, he wouldn't believe. But this is what happened. Suddenly he felt bad because he understood that he'll probably get the task of reporting all case to Naruto. No one knows how this idiot (Hokage, but still an idiot) will react to something like that.

A few minutes later the paramedics entered the apartment. By Tsunade's order Kakashi got a shot of sedative, then Gai and Shikamaru took him between themselves and jumping across rooftops to avoid the excitation of Konoha's people, brought him to the hospital. There the troubles began, so far calm, almost resigned Kakashi suddenly began to struggle, pushed the doctor away and Shikamaru had to immobilize him again. Kakashi got a second injection and got tied to the bed. Tsunade has issued regulations and by drip she gave him drugs.

For the next week Kakashi was mostly asleep because of drugs. He didn't speak and didn't want to eat, so was fed intravenously and not let out of the belt, if Tsunade or Shikamaru weren't next to him. Only them could easily stop him. Kakashi had some visitors, Naruto, Gai, Genma, Aoba, even Rock Lee, but ill ninja was silent, not answering questions, not looking at them. It looked like he was far away from hospital. They all feared the worst, but Tsunade was still telling that the improvement is a matter of time and you have to wait for the effects of medication, and what's the most important - wait for patient's willingness to talk.

The breakthrough came at the end of September, when the therapist came as usual to "talk with the patient". When he sat down on a chair next to the bed, he saw that Kakashi's eyes are full of tears.

"Are you okay?" the therapist asked. "Do you want me to call a doctor?"

Kakashi slowly turned his head towards him. And then, his voice breaking, face in tears, he began to speak.

About how he disappointed his father, because he couldn't be his support, he turned away from him and had betrayed him, and what provoked him to take his own life.

About how Obito died, because he - Kakashi - failed as a captain.

About how he let him down because he didn't keep his promise and didn't protect Rin.

About how he killed her with his own hands.

About how he was unable to protect his master.

About how he got on his hands blood of hundreds of people who had to be sacrificed for the reason of state.

About how the blood will not wash with soap and water.

About how he let the son of the Fourth Hokage live alone for 12 years, hated by all citizens.

About how he failed as a teacher of three young ninjas, how each went his own way.

About how he didn't stop Sasuke.

About how he couldn't save Sakura when Sasuke betrayed them at the battlefield.

About how he fulfilled her last request to bury her on the battlefield.

About how Naruto withdrew his hand, and Kakashi had to kill Sasuke to save the others.

About how he was kneeling in a pool of blood of his disciples.

About how Naruto not looking him in the eye assured him that he doesn't blame him for anything.

And then he shouted that he doesn't want to see or hear any more of these, does not want to feel guilt, fear, anger, sadness, do not want pity or sympathy, because he doesn't deserve it, nor a good word or a smile. And then he lost consciousness and therapist called the doctor.

That day ended silence, and Kakashi agreed to therapy. He proved he's stronger than he thought.


End file.
